California Dreaming

July 9th, 2012~ California Dreaming

Yes. I have been horrible about updating this recently and feel pretty guilty about it. Chris and I have had a busy, wonderful summer so far. This time last year we were in the middle of our first injectable drug IUI series and consumed with everything that entails. Never fun to go through that but really un-fun around holidays when you can't really enjoy them like you normally would.

So this past 4th of July we got to spend it with good friends and kicking back. I know many of you are wondering what is going on with our quest for Baby Baker and I promise to keep you up to date on that front :) You may be reading this and thinking....eh, I don't really want to know about your vacation this summer, I'm curious about your adoption process or fertility issues. To that I say thank you so much for your care and concern, believe me, it is always at the forefront of our thoughts. And a big thank you to those who have reached out to Chris and I during this process. We continue to be amazed.

Also, if you have questions regarding our fertility journey or anything specific please do not hesitate to message me. I have already received some wonderful messages from some of you from all over the country and would love to help in any way I can.

In our last post I briefly talked about our trip to San Diego to visit my adored sister, her precious twins, and her husband. We were incredibly blessed that Nicole was given two Southwest airline tickets for free and made a beeline for the coastline.

Me on Coronado Beach

Sweet welcome sign the Twins made for us

View of downtown San Diego from Coronado

We LOVE California...but we LOVE seeing my family even more. My sister and I truly are best friends and her twins, well, they mean the absolute world to me. We typically get to see them once, maybe twice a year which is hard on everyone. Thank the Lord for skype and free tickets from Southwest! We were also excited about seeing her husband Mitch whom we had missed the last few times visiting due to his military deployment. 

With no real agenda other than to just spend time with my sis and her family Chris and I wandered around the island, took a trolley tour (so much fun), ate, played with the kids, and even had some adventures bike riding. 

Gorgeous bushes all long the beach. Why can't these grow in Bama?

Coronado Brewing company. Really fantastic beer.

Old Town Trolley stop. Highly recommend if you are even in the San Diego area.

We rode the trolley which takes you all over the San Diego area allowing you to stop, wander around, and board at your leisure. We also learned all sorts of interesting factoids from our trolley guides including where certain famous scenes of Top Gun were shot (and of course, the corresponding music to those scenes was played over their loud speakers)...not embarrassing at all. 

U.S. Navy Seals returning to their training camp on Coronado

The Famous Navy Seal Bar "McP's". All of those hanging mugs belong to specific customers with names. 

Old Town San Diego

Woman hand making tortilla's in Old Town San Diego. They were incredible!

California style burrito with french fries stuffed inside, shrimp tacos, beans and rice. Hey don't judge me, I was on vacation. 

Chris picking out some flowers at the farmers market for Nicole that are Cooper and Mackenzie's favorite colors. Cooper loves yellow, Mackenzie purple. 

This trip was a bit bittersweet since my sister and the twins are being re-assigned by the navy to Okinawa Japan this month...at the end of this week actually. My head and heart still haven't wrapped around this completely but I am excited for them to experience things most people would never have the opportunity to, at least that's what I keep telling myself. 

Nicole and Cooper enjoying dinner al fresco

Mackenzie and Chris enjoying the fresh vegetables from the farmers market

I obviously took a ton of pictures while visiting and would love to share them as well as some hilarious videos of us playing with the kids. Will have another post with all of that goodness. Every morning the twins would run across the hallway, knock on our door, then pile into the bed with "Aunt Panda and Unc Kiss". I loved every moment of this trip and wish we didn't live so far away but the silver lining is that it makes it that more special when we are with them. 

Baby Baker news~ We are meeting with our second adoption agency tomorrow afternoon to make sure that all of our options are being considered. We have not decided whether to adopt internationally or domestically at this time. There is a TON that goes into either one of these decisions and we want to make sure we have all of the information and have thought and prayed appropriately. 

Our goal is to have a decision by the end of this month and to officially begin the process (application turned in, first fee payed, and home studies began). 

Thank you again for your love and support! We will update again soon.

Much Love,

Amanda & Chris

It's a new dawn, it's a new day......and I'm feelin good

June 18th, 2012~

It's been way too long since my last post. It was inadvertent I promise. A small break I suppose from things. Thank you so much to those of you who have continued to "check in on us" and ask how things are going. We really appreciate the love and support. Honestly....keep it coming :)

Let's see, to start things off the song that I have not been able to get out of my head for various reasons is Nina Simone's hauntingly fabulous "Feeling Good". If you aren't familiar with her and you love soulful boozy jazz, this is your woman. (video below)

Chris and I are doing well. We had our final post op appointment with Dr. Steinkamph at our fertility clinic May 30th. My physical scars have healed nicely and after a very heartfelt conversation with our doctors we have been officially released. It sounds a bit bad doesn't it? Officially released.

We discussed other options given our circumstances and came to the conclusion that for now, my body, our minds, and our hearts needed a break. I asked our doctor what our chances of having a child were on our own now that I lost my right tube during my ectopic pregnancy and surgery. His response was, "it's within the realm of possibility" and that there still was no diagnosable reason why we weren't able to get pregnant.

I also asked him if I should go back on clomid (pill ovarian stimulate to aid in fertility) but drop everything else since we still wanted to try to have a child on our own. Doctor's response "No, why keep trying something like that when we know for years it hasn't worked?"

Chris and I will never give up the hope of having a biological child of our own but I guess I had to agree with the doctor on that response. He did a few other final exams (breast check etc), then on our way out he grabbed me into a big hug and said "Now, I want you, no matter what or when to come see me and let me hold your child. Whenever or however you get them. I want to meet them."

I hugged Karen goodbye for now and she wished us something similar. I won't miss the procedures. I won't miss the awkwardness and heartbreak in the waiting room. I won't miss the needles, the pain, or that damn rickety elevator, but I will miss the people. Those doctors and nurses have been some of the most sincere and hopeful people Chris and I have ever dealt with and we will forever be grateful for their help in our journey to Baby Baker.

So, with heavy sighs and backward glances at our clinic as we walked out for perhaps the last time, we held hands and moved on. Time to reboot so to speak.

We have also begun the adoption process :)! We've met with one local agency and have researched into others. We are praying for guidance at this time as to which direction to go. Which agency, domestic or international, etc. It's daunting, but exciting. If you have any personal information or experiences you would like to share please do not hesitate to message me. Would love to hear!

We will hopefully have some definite decisions made by the end of July and able to share more details. Our road to Baby Baker has taken a different turn for now but we are hoping you will stick with us for the rest of our journey!

Chris and I headed to Memphis to see my Dad, Brother and Mom Memorial day weekend and really enjoyed the "getting back to being me" time. A few weeks later, we boarded a plane for San Diego to visit my sister Nicole, her precious twins, and her husband Mitch whom we had not seen for years due to his deployment with the Navy.

Me death gripping Chris's hand on board

Nicole travels quite a bit & was blessed with two free Southwest airline tickets to see them!! We were so happy to have the opportunity to go before she has to move to Japan (more on that later). As you can see from the above picture I am a TERRIBLE flyer. Wasn't always this way but for some reason, the older I get you have to basically sedate me like you would an animal in order for me to fly. It isn't pretty.

Sunset 10,000 miles up 

Five or so hours later we landed in San Diego and were greeted by the entire Eisenberg family. Mackenzie and Cooper in their pj's and Nicole and Mitch with huge smiles on their faces. 

Pure Joy. Chris and Mackenzie playing on Coronado 

I will have to make our California trip into several posts but I did want to start with a few fun things on this one. We played, we ate, we laughed, we cried, and we refreshed. 

"The body heals with play, the mind heals with laughter and the spirit heals with joy"~unknown proverb

I'm back at work, getting back to being me and back to posting about Baby Baker. See you in a few days :)

Chris and I are healing and that's the most important thing right now. 

Much love~

Amanda & Chris

Blank Screens and Blank Stares

May 16, 2012

I truly meant to post before today but as you can imagine I have been in recovery, in more ways than one.

This is a very long post. Thank you everyone for your love and patience. Your calls, texts, cards, hugs, and flowers have meant so much to us. So here's what happened.

We are still processing everything. There are days that are blurry and fuzzy around the edges due to prescribed narcotics, emotional turmoil, and most importantly.....healing. This post will not be all doom and gloom, nor will it be filled with rays of sunshine. But I do want everyone to know that we are healing, we are well, and we are moving on to the next phase of Baker Baby.

As most of you know now I had an emergency laparoscopy Tuesday, May 8th, to remove the ectopic tubal pregnancy that our precious little Baker Baby had become. Allow me to back up a bit....(Warning...I will be discussing some pretty graphic details here, if that makes you uncomfortable I promise not to be offended if you skip to the end of this post).

On April 30th I began noticing bleeding, more than the technical term of "spotting". I had been experiencing some slight bleeding the week before as well as brown or old blood spotting. I called our office and spoke to both of our nurses probably ever other day with the panic of "Is this normal?"

I even left a message that at the time I'm sure they deemed typical panicky me asking them if it was possible that I could have an ectopic pregnancy.

I was assured that quite a few pregnant women did in fact experience spotting or bleeding, even up to a normal flow of a menstrual cycle and that "As long as it didn't become more excessive than a normal cycle....we were fine."

I do want to say that I adore our nurses and doctors. I do not blame anyone or anything for what happened to us and our darling Baby Baker. They advised us the best they could with the information that they had at the time. I will also say that during this 11 days of panic that I was overwhelmingly frustrated. Not necessarily at our doctors, but more with the entire situation.

As someone who had never experienced pregnancy, to receive the advice "well, you will know if you are miscarrying", was confusing and frustrating. How exactly was I supposed to know? I kept having this absolutely horrific nightmare that I was going to wake up in the middle of the night to a horror scene of blood soaking through our entire bed, so much so that I began sleeping with a towel underneath me.

On April 30th I decided to drop by our clinic and ask if there was anything we could do about the bleeding and "spotting". I hoped that perhaps they could do a blood test for my HCG levels or even an ultrasound to let me know exactly what the heck was going on. I was exhausted from the nightmares and crying as I waited for Karen to come out into the waiting room to see me.

She very sweetly put her arm around me and told me they could not do an ultrasound any earlier than that coming Thursday. At that point I would be 6 and a half weeks pregnant and they would be able to see something clearly in the uterus. She gave me a hug, told me to hang in there, and then gave me the "as long as you aren't soaking thru a pad or having a massive amount of blood" you are ok talk.

She advised me to go home, take it easy, and try to remain calm. I took the next several days off from work and was put on bed rest. My amazing friends Casey and Andrea took turns sitting with me and making sure I was well distracted with treats, humor, and love.

Tuesday May 1st at around 7:00 PM I began having very painful cramps every few minutes or so...almost like what I would assume labor pains are like. Very bright red blood with some small clotting. We weren't sure what exactly was going on but I still wasn't having the massive amounts of blood that in my mind I would be if we were losing our baby.

I chose not to call the clinic with more of the same and waited it out until our appointment Thursday morning. We arrived at the clinic with still minimal bleeding and some mild cramping at 10:00 AM ready for the our first pregnant ultrasound.

Chris was so excited. I was as well, but after having gone through the week I had I was very cautious and nervous about what we were going to see. I held my breathe, said a prayer, and squeezed Chris's hand as Karen began the ultrasound. And then...nothing.

You could have heard a pin drop in that tiny cold little room. Nothing. Nothing in the uterus. Where was our precious little one? I kept hoping she would move to the other side with the device and they would magically appear but all we saw was a blank blurry screen. She called in Dr. Steinkamph for a second opinion and he confirmed our heartbreak, no pregnancy in the uterus.

They left us to change and I must have laid there unmoving for at least 10 minutes. I couldn't even cry yet I was so numb. Chris finally pulled me up into his arms off the table and helped me back to the lab for more blood work to see what my HCG levels were. With no visible pregnancy in the uterus they would first assume that we had indeed miscarried but they wanted to rule out the rare chance of ectopic pregnancy by testing my blood levels.

What is ectopic pregnancy?

 An ectopic pregnancy is when the pregnancy is not within the uterus. The embryo attaches and implants itself somewhere it should not be. Most ectopics that occur happen within the fallopian tubes classifying themselves as "tubal pregnancies" and are deemed "non-continuing pregnancies". Some can also occur within the ovary and cervix.

So what the heck are the odds with the technology and process of IVF with ectopic pregnancies? Are you ready for this?

1 percent. That's right.....1 percent chance of having an ectopic pregnancy with IVF.

 It's so rare, that I was more likely to have been struck by lightening or hit my a meteor shower than to have an ectopic pregnancy with IVF. Seriously, look up the odds, this is no joke. They are also more likely to occur with women who have had tubal damage or issues. I had none.

We waited in an exam room as they rushed my blood work, cold, tired, hungry and emotionally wrought. Karen peeked her head in to let us know it would be another 20 mins and I asked her, "What are the odds of an ectopic Karen?" She came back with the percentage and told us once again, "that is incredibly rare and unlikely".

An hour and a half later of waiting Dr. Steinkamph entered our room with a grim expression and our massive file. My blood levels had more than doubled, in his opinion we were more than likely having an ectopic pregnancy.

To say we were shocked was an understatement. Our entire clinic remains shocked to this day. I stared at my phone as it was lighting up with texts, "Have you heard anything yet?", "How many babies are in there?", "love you and can't wait to hear!"

Dr. Steinkamph then began the barrage of information and "options" that we had to decide upon. We first and foremost asked him in no uncertain terms, was there any way at all to save the baby? He shook his head and said no. If it was indeed ectopic there was absolutely nothing we could do to save it and that we had to save me.

Option number one: Wait and see or monitor the situation until Monday morning.
 He seemed to be in favor of this due to the absolute rarity of actually having an ectopic pregnancy. He also considered the possibility that I had in fact miscarried that past Tuesday evening and my numbers were slowly lowering. Come back Monday morning baring any emergencies and re-test my blood and perform another ultrasound.

This didn't appeal to me due to the fact that IF I had an ectopic pregnancy and it continued on it's path I was risking it rupturing internally and having to have emergency surgery or worse.....shock or internally bleeding to death. Yes, that was a risk, a very rare one, but a risk. And after having already breaking the odds it wasn't something I wanted to chance.

Option number 2: Injection or injections of methotrexate.
I had no idea what this medicine was but my thought process was, "Ok, a shot, I don't like those but at least it's not surgery." He seemed wary about this choice for several reasons the main one being that it isn't 100% affective and may take weeks to fully "work" if at all. He said I would also be in pain and for him to come right out and say that wasn't a good thing. It would require me returning to the clinic several times a week for blood work so that they could see it was in fact terminating the pregnancy.

What is methotrexate? It simplest terms, it's a drug used to treat cancer patients and has many, many unpleasant side effects. It works to destroy rapidly multiplying cells (ie cancer cells and in my case, pregnancy).

They would need to test my blood (renal scans) to see if I could even safely qualify to take the shot and the earliest they could give me the shot was Monday morning. So that put his right back to having to wait 3 days to do anything; the same as option number 1.

Option number 3: Laparoscopic surgery

I had already had this surgery performed a year and a half ago for exploratory and endometriosis and I didn't handle it well. My recovery was slow and surgery scares the hell out of me. It's all of my worst fears wrapped into one horrible experience to be honest.

He was in favor of this option because there was certainty with it. We would know exactly where the pregnancy was in my body and be able to remove it quickly. No waiting around for weeks and hopefully no chance of rupture. That all made sense but again, if I could avoid surgery I was most certainly going to try.

I then basically begged him to see if we could do the shot earlier than Monday but was met with a resounding no. We were told to come go, rest, and to call them if I had repeating pain on one specific side of my body or excessive bleeding.

Our car ride home was silent. No more of Chris singing Grateful Dead songs to the baby or babies in my belly. We were both scared and so very heartbroken.

I now felt that I had a ticking time bomb within me and could not rest. My mother drove through the night to stay with us and we stayed up till 2 AM chatting once she finally arrived.

Those few days were filled with worry, paranoia, comfort, and distraction. We kept hoping and praying that I had already miscarried the baby and that I was out of danger. The guilt I felt for even praying for that was overwhelming.

We busied our selves with good food, snuggling, and movies. 

My Mother's "Hug in a pot" Pot roast with veggies, fresh corn & tomatoes & biscuits

"Ally Dog" came to keep us company as well

I noticed from time to time "twinges" on my right side. That's the best way I can describe it. Not outright pain but twinges of something that just didn't feel right. The bleeding was intermittent as well as we counted down the days until Monday.

We arrived at our clinic bright and early Monday morning for our additional ultrasound and blood work. My mother was with us this time as we awaited the news. Again, blank screens and blank stares. Nothing in the uterus....still. 

They sent me back to the lab for the blood work and then that they would call us as soon as they had the results. We went to lunch, ran some errands and picked out Mother's day gifts while we waiting for the call. Slightly past noon I received the call from Karen that my blood levels had again, "more than doubled" and to come back immediately to meet with Dr. Steinkamph. 

We rushed back to the clinic and heard the final words "You are diagnosed with a tubal ectopic pregnancy". No more options, we were scheduled for surgery the next morning at 7:00 AM.  

The next few hours I proceeded to have a nervous breakdown. Everything I had been feeling just poured out of me. Chris called our doctor and they allowed me to take Valium and thank goodness because I was inconsolable. I had convinced myself that because this horrible random thing happened to us that I was now going to have other horrible random things happen to me.

I didn't want to go through the surgery for fear of actually dying on the table. It seems silly now to have thought that, but that's where my head was at Monday afternoon. I eventually calmed down and snuggled in with Chris. My brother texted me at one point to check on me and he asked how I was doing, my reply "Ok...I have Valium and fried chicken". Nothing wrong with that combo.

The drugs eventually knocked me out and I actually slept. We arrived at Brookwood Hospital at 5:00 AM and I was taken back for pre-op admin by the loveliest of nurses. She held my hand, stroked my hair and stayed with me the entire time. I cried out of fear and anxiety but more than anything else that I was losing our precious baby. 

She prayed with me and looked down at my face and said "darling, it's all gonna be ok. The Lord will bring you back here on happier terms one day soon, I just know it". They let Chris and my Mom back into my room as they drugged me up and prep'd me. 

When I came to after the surgery all I could recall was, "MAN i gotta go to the bathroom!" Apparently I told the nurse I was gonna go on the bed if she didn't wheel me back quicker. Chris kissed me and told me they removed the tube and the pregnancy within the tube on my right side. So the twinges I had experienced were in fact attributed to the ectopic. He said everything else looked normal, no other embryos were found, and all I had to do now was heal. 

One of the biggest things I learned throughout ALL of this is listen to your body. You know it better than anyone and if something doesn't feel right, speak up and make sure you ask those questions. Even if you feel like you are being paranoid or "That patient"...ASK. 

In short, since I know this post has been a novella and hats off to those of you who actually read the entire thing...we are healing. My scars, both physical and emotional are healing. Our doctors did a wonderful job and we are so thankful that I did not rupture or worse. Each day I feel a little bit stronger than the last and look forward to reclaiming my body. 

No more injections, no more drugs, no more hormones, no more blood draws. 

We are happily moving on to adoption of our little Baby Baker. We have begun investigating and should meet with our first agency next week. We would LOVE for you to stay with us during this journey because it's FAR from over :) 

Thank you everyone, much love.  

Brief Update

Chris and I wanted to post a very brief update for those of you who don't follow me on Facebook and I are curious of our status. We are doing ok.

We found out this past Thursday the devastating news that we had lost our little Baby Baker. We laid there holding our breathe as the ultrasound screen became live and then.............nothing. Nothing was found in my uterus.

They quickly drew my blood to check my HCG levels. We had to wait an additional hour in office for the rushed results and to say that was unpleasant would be putting it lightly. (I will get into all of this more after tomorrow's appointment).

We were then told my levels came back at almost 4000 which is high. High levels on HCG with nothing in my uterus can only really mean two things. Either we miscarried, which is a possibility since I was bleeding and had a particularly bad evening this past Tuesday, or we have an ectopic pregnancy.

Ectopic pregnancies in short mean that the pregnancy is not in the uterus and can be potentially very dangerous if not found and terminated.

Scary. Heart breaking.

We were advised to go home and wait till Monday to re-evaluate. I have felt ever since that I have a  potential ticking time bomb within me and really haven't been able to relax. I haven't even been able to really fully process everything and mourn because of the fear.

My wonderful mother drove in late Thursday evening to be with us and we have been taking it easy this weekend. Good food, movies, and cuddling. She's currently making us her famous "Hug in a Pot" for dinner. Tender pot roast with gravy, potatoes, veggies, corn on the cob and biscuits! Will take pictures and post later.

We go into the clinic tomorrow morning for more blood work and waiting. If it's still high they will give me a shot to terminate it. If not, then we already miscarried. Like I said, I really haven't been able to process everything quite yet but want to thank everyone for your love and support.

Will update as soon as I can after we get the diagnosis from our clinic tomorrow. Prayers please!!!!!

Google is the devil

Today is day 51 of our IVF series 2, and day 24 of our embryo transfer. Not much has changed with us since my last post. (Warning....too much information about to be shared regarding my body and if you aren't up for it then look away now. I promise my feelings won't be hurt)

There are only two things that I am certain of these days. One is that I am driving my doctors and sweet nurses crazy, and two is Google is the devil. After each panicked call, including this morning at 8:30, of is this normal and why is this still happening? I am reassured that "as long as you don't start bleeding more blood than you ever have in your life and large clots you are fine."

Let me back up a moment...my apologies once more for being WAY too graphic with this but it is a fertility blog and this is what's currently going on and freaking us out. I started having brown blood here and there about a week and a half ago intermixed with light pinkish red blood. I was told that as long as it didn't get heavier than a period then we were fine.

That's nice to hear of course but I swear I hold my breathe every time I use the restroom. It really is terrifying just waiting to see if it does indeed worsen and become "heavier". Light cramping, some tiredness, heartburn right in the middle of my sternum, but all in all that's about it. I even asked Karen our fertility nurse if it was normal that I wasn't experiencing any other pregnancy symptoms yet.

She very sweetly replied, "Yes, that's fine. Everyone's body is different." I was also switched off the progesterone injections to progesterone creams that you have to (look away squeamish people) insert and apply twice a day. It's better than a needle but that also has caused some changes with my body that I wasn't exactly prepared for.

After googling symptoms which I KNEW was a horrible idea I had convinced myself that 1) I was having an ectopic pregnancy 2) might be on our way to miscarrying. I know....I'm awful but sometimes you just can't help looking around for online reassurance that you aren't alone in what's happening and that everything will be ok.

Francis told me once again this morning that, "I may experience this spotting throughout our entire pregnancy" and that "that area of my body is very sensitive and this may be "irritating" it" hence the bleeding etc. She also told me that there was nothing they could do at this time, that she would be praying for me, and to keep our appointment for this coming Thursday for our first ultrasound.

Bottom line, we will just have to pray, and wait and see.

I know I've said it before but we really do love our doctors and nurses with this fertility group. They are so patient and supportive. Anyone that can put up with me and my ailment neurosis is a saint!

On to a lighter note :)

We decided to chaperone Chris's student's prom last night and let me just tell you, that was SO much fun!

Chris and I being goofy in the prom photo booth. Fake mustaches, a pipe and boa make the perfect additions to our outfits.

My apologies for the blurry pics. My blackberry might be on it's last leg.

Prom arch lit and dazzling!

It really was great to watch the kids enjoying their prom last night. I didn't witness any teenage girl drama other than some wardrobe malfunctions and all in all they were a well behaved group of kids. That just made me sound really old didn't it?

The kids really do adore my husband "Mr. B" or "Mr. Baker" and I get a kick out of watching him interact with them. No we didn't dance since the music was pretty much relegated to anything from The Black Eyed Peas and hard core booty music. 

About to get off the couch and start my marinara for pasta and homemade meatballs. Why am I suddenly craving a chocolate milkshake from McDonald's? 

Have a great rest of the weekend everyone and thanks for all of your sweet messages!!

Day 47 IVF Cycle 2...Roller Coaster

Today marks day 47 of our second IVF cycle and day 20 of our 3 embyro's implantation.

What an emotional and physical roller coaster this has been for both of us! When Karen called us a week ago and told us that our chances of our little Baby Baker surviving were slim but not impossible I mentally began to try to prepare myself for that possibility. I wasn't giving up of course, but was trying to have some semblance of self preservation.

She asked us to continue the progesterone injections twice a day in my hip (one first thing in the morning, one in the evening), which I REALLY didn't want to do but we wanted to continue to do everything within our power to help our little Baby Baker.

Chris and I cried and prayed for strength to continue as we did everything our doctors had told us to do. Chris would sing to my belly every night and "tuck them in" as I begged and pleaded with them to stay.

I had started to experience mild cramping accompanied with brown and light red blood for a few days. Nothing too heavy but I called our doctor just to make sure we were still ok. Dr. Steinkamph was very sweet but said "No, bleeding is never normal although it is common. Many women experience it during pregnancy and go on to have healthy babies."

He then asked me to call him morning or night if it progressed into a full flow. Yesterday we woke up and headed into the clinic for another blood test. Francis, one of our favorite nurses, gave me a big hug,  kiss on my cheek and told us she was praying for us.

Chris and I have felt so loved and supported throughout this entire experience and it makes my heart hurt for all of those couples who are going through this alone. I understand the hesitation in going public with your fertility struggles but the prayers, love and out pouring of support even from people you have never met is astounding!

When we got "the call" yesterday at 1:48 from Karen I grabbed Chris's hand, took a deep breathe and hunched my shoulders forward in preparation for the final blow. It didn't come.

I could tell immediately from Karen's tone that this wasn't bad news. She told me that our HCG blood levels "had come up quite nicely", and for us to come into the clinic to pick up our new progesterone creams that I was to take twice daily. Not only was she telling me we still had our little Baby Baker, she was telling me NO MORE INJECTIONS!!

Our first beta HCG was 15, our second was 19.9.....yesterday our HCG was 363!!!! Power of prayer, power of love! We set the appointment for our first ultrasound for next Thursday at 10:00 AM. They will be looking for the little black sac that will be our Baby Baker, of Bakers :)

They want to make sure there is no possibility of an ectopic pregnancy (very rare occurrence when the embryo is in the fallopian tube instead of the uterus and can be quite serious), and begin monitoring the embryo or embryo's.

The other common question we keep getting from friends and family other than "when will you know how many babies?", is "when will you be able to relax and really celebrate?"

That's a good question and one that the answer shifts moment to moment to be quite honest. When you've been waiting for something for over 4 years, and I suppose my whole life really to come true, when it finally does I can't help the fear that comes with the thought of losing it.

Two things have presented themselves to me today. One being a song from one of my favorite albums at the moment. Florence and the Machine's latest album "Ceremonials" is wonderfully uplifting and enchanting and I've been obsessed with it for months.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UtnxsIBVm5s

"Shake it off"

We ghouls collect like old friends

Here to relive your darkest moments

I can see no way, I can see now way

And all of the ghouls come out to play

Every demon wants his pound of flesh

But i like to keep somethings to myself

I like to keep my issues drawn

It's always darkest before the dawn

And I've been a fool and I've been blind

And I could never leave the past behind

I can see no way, I can see now way

I'm always dragging that horse around

Our love is pushing such a mournful sound

Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground

Cause i like to keep my issues drawn

It's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it off, shake it off, shake it off

It's hard to dance with the devil on your back

So shake him off

I am done with my graceless heart

So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then re-start

I like to keep my issues drawn

It's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it off, shake it off, shake it off 

It's hard to dance with the devil on your back so shake it off

Given half the chance he will take it all

It's a fine romance but it's left me so undone

It's always darkest before the dawn

The entire song is amazing and I highly recommend the album if you haven't heard it in it's entirety yet.

 The second came to me in a wonderful person I call Ms. Sharon. Ms. Sharon is a catering client of ours and is also a pastor here in Birmingham. 

She grabbed my hands today when I was delivering her clients order and literally shook them till I stared up at her face. She started praying for us and  for Baker Baby and said "you will be at peace and joy and will not let the devil steal it any longer. Fear is the thief of joy...do not let him take what is rightfully yours."

I almost started crying right there because it's exactly what I needed to hear. We will not be fearful of the future, we will be joyful in this moment.   

Thank you everyone for your prayers and positivity and for making me literally Shake it Off. 

Day 44....The Waiting Game

 This beautiful Sunday afternoon marks day 44 of our IVF cycle number 2. My sincerest apologies for not updating the blog earlier than today but I've been busy with work and processing the information we were given this past Wednesday after my second blood test.

Thank you everyone for your incredible messages of love and support! Wednesday afternoon we heard back from Karen, our IVF nurse, that our blood work had risen, but not enough for them to be confident that the pregnancy would continue to be successful.

Our original HCG beta number was 15 and Wednesday it had only risen to 19.9. Karen started off our phone call by saying "I'm so sorry but I don't have good news for you." I started crying but tried to listen to everything she was telling me.

She told me our chances didn't look good at keeping the pregnancy but that "it was not impossible". I felt so many different things at that moment and tried very hard to stay calm. Chris was at work so I had to tell him the news over the phone which was difficult.

Karen also wanted us to continue with the 2 a day progesterone injections in my hip. This didn't make me very happy either and each time we do it I try to count down and say in my head "Only 6 more, ...only 5 more....only 4 more."

Beautiful arrangement from my sister Nicole

My darling sister sent me the most gorgeous arrangement of sunflowers and roses along with yummy chocolates because in her words "she couldn't be here with us." My wonderful boss and friend Danielle also stopped by with beautiful flowers and sat with me until Chris came home from work. We are both so blessed to have such amazing friends!

Chocolates from Nicole and the twins with the SWEETEST note!

Beautiful flowers from Danielle and her husband Brett

Chris and I are doing well, we have our moments of frustration and wishing that we didn't have to go through this but it will all be worth it in the end. If our little Baby Baker fighter hangs on, then there is no greater reason for all of this, if not.....well, then we know we did everything we possibly could to have a child on our own. 

It's very difficult to imagine our little one in there struggling but we've received several messages from friends and family that low hormone levels can happen with successful pregnancies. We love each other very much and would do anything to help our little Baby Baker. 

We're going back in to the clinic Tuesday morning for another blood test. According to Karen this test should let us know definitively if our pregnancy will continue. If our levels are still low and not progressing they will more than likely take me off the progesterone shots. I'm not sure of all the details and honestly don't want to think about it till we have to. 

Thank you everyone for staying with us and praying so hard for us! Will keep you informed as Tuesday approaches. Have a good rest of the weekend and enjoy this wonderful weather!