Blank Screens and Blank Stares

May 16, 2012

I truly meant to post before today but as you can imagine I have been in recovery, in more ways than one.

This is a very long post. Thank you everyone for your love and patience. Your calls, texts, cards, hugs, and flowers have meant so much to us. So here's what happened.

We are still processing everything. There are days that are blurry and fuzzy around the edges due to prescribed narcotics, emotional turmoil, and most importantly.....healing. This post will not be all doom and gloom, nor will it be filled with rays of sunshine. But I do want everyone to know that we are healing, we are well, and we are moving on to the next phase of Baker Baby.

As most of you know now I had an emergency laparoscopy Tuesday, May 8th, to remove the ectopic tubal pregnancy that our precious little Baker Baby had become. Allow me to back up a bit....(Warning...I will be discussing some pretty graphic details here, if that makes you uncomfortable I promise not to be offended if you skip to the end of this post).

On April 30th I began noticing bleeding, more than the technical term of "spotting". I had been experiencing some slight bleeding the week before as well as brown or old blood spotting. I called our office and spoke to both of our nurses probably ever other day with the panic of "Is this normal?"

I even left a message that at the time I'm sure they deemed typical panicky me asking them if it was possible that I could have an ectopic pregnancy.

I was assured that quite a few pregnant women did in fact experience spotting or bleeding, even up to a normal flow of a menstrual cycle and that "As long as it didn't become more excessive than a normal cycle....we were fine."

I do want to say that I adore our nurses and doctors. I do not blame anyone or anything for what happened to us and our darling Baby Baker. They advised us the best they could with the information that they had at the time. I will also say that during this 11 days of panic that I was overwhelmingly frustrated. Not necessarily at our doctors, but more with the entire situation.

As someone who had never experienced pregnancy, to receive the advice "well, you will know if you are miscarrying", was confusing and frustrating. How exactly was I supposed to know? I kept having this absolutely horrific nightmare that I was going to wake up in the middle of the night to a horror scene of blood soaking through our entire bed, so much so that I began sleeping with a towel underneath me.

On April 30th I decided to drop by our clinic and ask if there was anything we could do about the bleeding and "spotting". I hoped that perhaps they could do a blood test for my HCG levels or even an ultrasound to let me know exactly what the heck was going on. I was exhausted from the nightmares and crying as I waited for Karen to come out into the waiting room to see me.

She very sweetly put her arm around me and told me they could not do an ultrasound any earlier than that coming Thursday. At that point I would be 6 and a half weeks pregnant and they would be able to see something clearly in the uterus. She gave me a hug, told me to hang in there, and then gave me the "as long as you aren't soaking thru a pad or having a massive amount of blood" you are ok talk.

She advised me to go home, take it easy, and try to remain calm. I took the next several days off from work and was put on bed rest. My amazing friends Casey and Andrea took turns sitting with me and making sure I was well distracted with treats, humor, and love.

Tuesday May 1st at around 7:00 PM I began having very painful cramps every few minutes or so...almost like what I would assume labor pains are like. Very bright red blood with some small clotting. We weren't sure what exactly was going on but I still wasn't having the massive amounts of blood that in my mind I would be if we were losing our baby.

I chose not to call the clinic with more of the same and waited it out until our appointment Thursday morning. We arrived at the clinic with still minimal bleeding and some mild cramping at 10:00 AM ready for the our first pregnant ultrasound.

Chris was so excited. I was as well, but after having gone through the week I had I was very cautious and nervous about what we were going to see. I held my breathe, said a prayer, and squeezed Chris's hand as Karen began the ultrasound. And then...nothing.

You could have heard a pin drop in that tiny cold little room. Nothing. Nothing in the uterus. Where was our precious little one? I kept hoping she would move to the other side with the device and they would magically appear but all we saw was a blank blurry screen. She called in Dr. Steinkamph for a second opinion and he confirmed our heartbreak, no pregnancy in the uterus.

They left us to change and I must have laid there unmoving for at least 10 minutes. I couldn't even cry yet I was so numb. Chris finally pulled me up into his arms off the table and helped me back to the lab for more blood work to see what my HCG levels were. With no visible pregnancy in the uterus they would first assume that we had indeed miscarried but they wanted to rule out the rare chance of ectopic pregnancy by testing my blood levels.

What is ectopic pregnancy?

 An ectopic pregnancy is when the pregnancy is not within the uterus. The embryo attaches and implants itself somewhere it should not be. Most ectopics that occur happen within the fallopian tubes classifying themselves as "tubal pregnancies" and are deemed "non-continuing pregnancies". Some can also occur within the ovary and cervix.

So what the heck are the odds with the technology and process of IVF with ectopic pregnancies? Are you ready for this?

1 percent. That's right.....1 percent chance of having an ectopic pregnancy with IVF.

 It's so rare, that I was more likely to have been struck by lightening or hit my a meteor shower than to have an ectopic pregnancy with IVF. Seriously, look up the odds, this is no joke. They are also more likely to occur with women who have had tubal damage or issues. I had none.

We waited in an exam room as they rushed my blood work, cold, tired, hungry and emotionally wrought. Karen peeked her head in to let us know it would be another 20 mins and I asked her, "What are the odds of an ectopic Karen?" She came back with the percentage and told us once again, "that is incredibly rare and unlikely".

An hour and a half later of waiting Dr. Steinkamph entered our room with a grim expression and our massive file. My blood levels had more than doubled, in his opinion we were more than likely having an ectopic pregnancy.

To say we were shocked was an understatement. Our entire clinic remains shocked to this day. I stared at my phone as it was lighting up with texts, "Have you heard anything yet?", "How many babies are in there?", "love you and can't wait to hear!"

Dr. Steinkamph then began the barrage of information and "options" that we had to decide upon. We first and foremost asked him in no uncertain terms, was there any way at all to save the baby? He shook his head and said no. If it was indeed ectopic there was absolutely nothing we could do to save it and that we had to save me.

Option number one: Wait and see or monitor the situation until Monday morning.
 He seemed to be in favor of this due to the absolute rarity of actually having an ectopic pregnancy. He also considered the possibility that I had in fact miscarried that past Tuesday evening and my numbers were slowly lowering. Come back Monday morning baring any emergencies and re-test my blood and perform another ultrasound.

This didn't appeal to me due to the fact that IF I had an ectopic pregnancy and it continued on it's path I was risking it rupturing internally and having to have emergency surgery or worse.....shock or internally bleeding to death. Yes, that was a risk, a very rare one, but a risk. And after having already breaking the odds it wasn't something I wanted to chance.

Option number 2: Injection or injections of methotrexate.
I had no idea what this medicine was but my thought process was, "Ok, a shot, I don't like those but at least it's not surgery." He seemed wary about this choice for several reasons the main one being that it isn't 100% affective and may take weeks to fully "work" if at all. He said I would also be in pain and for him to come right out and say that wasn't a good thing. It would require me returning to the clinic several times a week for blood work so that they could see it was in fact terminating the pregnancy.

What is methotrexate? It simplest terms, it's a drug used to treat cancer patients and has many, many unpleasant side effects. It works to destroy rapidly multiplying cells (ie cancer cells and in my case, pregnancy).

They would need to test my blood (renal scans) to see if I could even safely qualify to take the shot and the earliest they could give me the shot was Monday morning. So that put his right back to having to wait 3 days to do anything; the same as option number 1.

Option number 3: Laparoscopic surgery

I had already had this surgery performed a year and a half ago for exploratory and endometriosis and I didn't handle it well. My recovery was slow and surgery scares the hell out of me. It's all of my worst fears wrapped into one horrible experience to be honest.

He was in favor of this option because there was certainty with it. We would know exactly where the pregnancy was in my body and be able to remove it quickly. No waiting around for weeks and hopefully no chance of rupture. That all made sense but again, if I could avoid surgery I was most certainly going to try.

I then basically begged him to see if we could do the shot earlier than Monday but was met with a resounding no. We were told to come go, rest, and to call them if I had repeating pain on one specific side of my body or excessive bleeding.

Our car ride home was silent. No more of Chris singing Grateful Dead songs to the baby or babies in my belly. We were both scared and so very heartbroken.

I now felt that I had a ticking time bomb within me and could not rest. My mother drove through the night to stay with us and we stayed up till 2 AM chatting once she finally arrived.

Those few days were filled with worry, paranoia, comfort, and distraction. We kept hoping and praying that I had already miscarried the baby and that I was out of danger. The guilt I felt for even praying for that was overwhelming.

We busied our selves with good food, snuggling, and movies. 

My Mother's "Hug in a pot" Pot roast with veggies, fresh corn & tomatoes & biscuits

"Ally Dog" came to keep us company as well

I noticed from time to time "twinges" on my right side. That's the best way I can describe it. Not outright pain but twinges of something that just didn't feel right. The bleeding was intermittent as well as we counted down the days until Monday.

We arrived at our clinic bright and early Monday morning for our additional ultrasound and blood work. My mother was with us this time as we awaited the news. Again, blank screens and blank stares. Nothing in the uterus....still. 

They sent me back to the lab for the blood work and then that they would call us as soon as they had the results. We went to lunch, ran some errands and picked out Mother's day gifts while we waiting for the call. Slightly past noon I received the call from Karen that my blood levels had again, "more than doubled" and to come back immediately to meet with Dr. Steinkamph. 

We rushed back to the clinic and heard the final words "You are diagnosed with a tubal ectopic pregnancy". No more options, we were scheduled for surgery the next morning at 7:00 AM.  

The next few hours I proceeded to have a nervous breakdown. Everything I had been feeling just poured out of me. Chris called our doctor and they allowed me to take Valium and thank goodness because I was inconsolable. I had convinced myself that because this horrible random thing happened to us that I was now going to have other horrible random things happen to me.

I didn't want to go through the surgery for fear of actually dying on the table. It seems silly now to have thought that, but that's where my head was at Monday afternoon. I eventually calmed down and snuggled in with Chris. My brother texted me at one point to check on me and he asked how I was doing, my reply "Ok...I have Valium and fried chicken". Nothing wrong with that combo.

The drugs eventually knocked me out and I actually slept. We arrived at Brookwood Hospital at 5:00 AM and I was taken back for pre-op admin by the loveliest of nurses. She held my hand, stroked my hair and stayed with me the entire time. I cried out of fear and anxiety but more than anything else that I was losing our precious baby. 

She prayed with me and looked down at my face and said "darling, it's all gonna be ok. The Lord will bring you back here on happier terms one day soon, I just know it". They let Chris and my Mom back into my room as they drugged me up and prep'd me. 

When I came to after the surgery all I could recall was, "MAN i gotta go to the bathroom!" Apparently I told the nurse I was gonna go on the bed if she didn't wheel me back quicker. Chris kissed me and told me they removed the tube and the pregnancy within the tube on my right side. So the twinges I had experienced were in fact attributed to the ectopic. He said everything else looked normal, no other embryos were found, and all I had to do now was heal. 

One of the biggest things I learned throughout ALL of this is listen to your body. You know it better than anyone and if something doesn't feel right, speak up and make sure you ask those questions. Even if you feel like you are being paranoid or "That patient"...ASK. 

In short, since I know this post has been a novella and hats off to those of you who actually read the entire thing...we are healing. My scars, both physical and emotional are healing. Our doctors did a wonderful job and we are so thankful that I did not rupture or worse. Each day I feel a little bit stronger than the last and look forward to reclaiming my body. 

No more injections, no more drugs, no more hormones, no more blood draws. 

We are happily moving on to adoption of our little Baby Baker. We have begun investigating and should meet with our first agency next week. We would LOVE for you to stay with us during this journey because it's FAR from over :) 

Thank you everyone, much love.