"It's a Calling"

July 18th, 2013

"It's A Calling"~

It's been just a little over nine months that Chris and I have been on the "official wait list" at our adoption agency. Seems longer to me but then again my perspective of waiting for Baby Baker is of course skewed. I'm sitting here rubbing my eyes trying to come up with something insightful or witty to say but I don't have it.

What I do have is a big, glaring sign in my face.

This summer has been filled with some brief, and much needed vacation time with friends and family, lot's of work, and some really wonderful time with my husband. It's great to have him "home for the summer" since he teaches school, and I love to watch him busy himself with little projects around the house.

The latest project has been to slowly start putting together what will be the nursery. I honestly don't know why we both all of sudden felt comfortable with this, but we have. It's little things so far. Re-painting a piece of furniture that will be Baby Baker's changing table, deciding on colors for the curtains, hanging a frame with a print we bought for Baby Baker almost a year ago in it's rightful place.

It feels good.

So what's this big glaring sign I was referring to earlier? Apart from the constant reminder that my plans are not always HIS (it seems this is one I struggle with a lot and always need to be reminded of, some reminders less painful than others....), it's that our path to Baby Baker wasn't an accident or an unfortunate experience, it's a calling.

I've heard people refer to "A Calling" when dealing with religious decisions mainly and sometimes professional ones, but I've realized throughout all of this that it's all happening for a reason.

"In God's schedule of events of your life, infertility is not some in-between phase you just have to get through before you can get on with your "real life". It's a calling. If you have not been able to conceive,  then at this point in your life, God has called you to be infertile. I'm not saying the calling is permanent. Neither am I saying that you are required to enjoy it. But I am saying that God knows what He's doing, and if He isn't allowing you to become pregnant right now, it is because He has some other purpose to fulfill". - Lois Flowers- Infertility:Finding God's Peace in the Journey

So do I really believe this or am I just trying to make myself feel better?

I really believe this. And not only that, I find comfort in it. I don't know why when we got pregnant that we lost him or her to a freak 1% chance of ectopic pregnancy and the loss of my right tube, but I can assure you He does. I don't know why we've been waiting over 9 months for Baby Baker but He does. 

It sounds strange but I can't wait to look back on my life years from now and go, "Ah Ha! So that's why we went through all of that." Do I wish that "Ah Ha" moment was sooner rather than later, sure, but then again, my plans are rarely His plans :)

Updates: We were able to raise over $800 from our Baby Baker Yard sale back in May. I was blown away with all the thoughtful donations from friends, family, and even strangers. Our whole neighborhood came out to support, and Chris and I continue to feel so blessed. 

 Our wonderful adoption agency has placed four precious babies since May, and are working tirelessly to create more "Forever Families". That sweet Waiting Couple Chris and I met with back in May for our support group was one of those very lucky couples who got that call. They are now a "Forever Family" with a beautiful little girl and we couldn't be happier for them. 

We continue to move up the waiting list with each baby placed, and want to thank everyone for your constant prayers and support. Off to go for a run. 

Much Love,

Amanda & Chris

Hope....Friend or Foe? ~May 6th, 2013

Hope when you are in the beginning stages of infertility and trying to have a child is incredibly powerful and uplifting, but the longer your struggle continues, it quickly morphs into something else.

"Hope deferred makes a heart sick"~Proverbs 13:12 

It becomes a danger, something sinister lurking in the back of your heart that you feel you must throw a wall up against. Everyone around you tells you to be hopeful, to stay positive, and you try with all your might to do just that. But what happens if your hopes are dashed or deferred? 

I'm struggling a bit with this post because right now it sounds so negative, but I can assure you it is anything but. In fact, I've never felt more hopeful.

What happens when you allow your self to lose hope? Despair right? Despair and depression. I recently read a passage from a book a good friend of mine sent me "Infertility: Finding God's Peace in the Journey" regarding despair:

"Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am in distress

My sight is blurred because of my tears.

My body and soul are withering away.

I am dying from grief;

my years are shortened by sadness.

Misery has drained away my strength;

I am wasting from within.

I am scorned by all my enemies 

and even despised by my neighbors-

even my friends are afraid to come near me.

When they see me on the street, 

they turn the other way.

I have been ignored as if I were dead,

as if I were a broken pot"-

 Psalm 31:9-12

Amazingly powerful right? You can actually see this person destroyed by despair and void of any hope whatsoever in this passage. Have you been this person too? 

I have to say that I find such a strange sense of hope when reading this because I know that I have been there and managed to not let "Misery drain away my strength..."

Chris and I began a support group for the other Waiting Couples for adoption last week. Our first meeting was this past Monday evening and we had the honor of sitting and talking with another couple for over three hours. They've been waiting for over a year and a half and guess what, they are still SO hopeful. So hopeful in fact that they finally broke down and purchased a stroller a few weeks ago.

I know that seems minor and practical to those who haven't experienced infertility or adoption but let me assure you...it's a BIG deal. It goes back to the concept of guarding your heart I suppose. Chris and I have a little place in our guest bedroom closet with a box tucked away of "Baby Baker" things. A baby blanket given to us when we announced our pregnancy, some precious little blocks with animals on them from my sister, a book about some adorable bears adopting from one of my closest friends and more. 

Even though we've only had one meeting so far for our support group, I have never been so hopeful that it will continue to grow and that we will all glean something from one another. 

"...I am scorned by all my enemies and even despised by my neighbors-"

Chris and I are having a fundraising yard sale this weekend for our Baby Baker adoption fund. I put up a pink flyer last week asking our neighborhood for their support. Donations of household items or dropping by the day of the sale to help out. The cynical part of myself that does tend to creep in whispered "hey, nothing may come out of this but post and wait and see". 

Donated items Chris and I received from neighbors we had never even met.

We came home Saturday to a porch full of donated items from neighbors we had never even met. Just as I was pulling everything into the guest bedroom and wiping away the happy tears our doorbell rang. It was another neighbor who had read our blog and desperately wanted to help. She proceeded to unload her car and come back 3 different times that night with things for our yard sale. 

I have never met this wonderful woman before, but she had seen me running in the rain one day and said "that's dedication" and began walking herself. She passed the area where I posted the flyer the other day and went home and pulled up our blog. She read the entire thing and immediately called up our other neighbors who have adopted themselves and told them our story. To say we were touched is an understatement. 

" My years are shortened by sadness.....I have been ignored as if I were dead, as if I were a broken pot."

Our years have NOT been shortened by sadness although I can see how that could quickly happen if you were allow it to. I still have "blue days" every now and again, as my sweet husband calls it, but overwhelmingly they are not sad at all. We are not ignored, and those broken parts of ourselves are mending. 

Chris with our newest nephew Hudson this weekend

I actually must run now, getting ready to go pick up more donated items from friends!! Will keep you all updated on how the fundraiser goes. Please pray for good weather and thank you so much for your continued support. 

Love,

Amanda & Chris

We're Still Here

We're Still Here~ April 16th, 2013

Hi everyone. Yes, it's been a while since I last posted. I had a friend ask me last week if I had just completely stopped writing about our path to Baby Baker and I quickly responded "No". She quirked her eye brow at me and said "well, then perhaps you should write something...ya know, since you haven't quit."

So here I am, not quitting, struggling a bit with exactly what to say because not much has changed since I posted last back in November. Ok I shouldn't say not much has changed, but not much in regards to the updates or status of our adoption process. 

I have come to realize that they call it a "process" because that is exactly what it is. Boy is it ever.  As you all know we were placed officially on the wait list with our agency at the first part of November of last year. Every time I see my husband get a sad far away look on his face when we pass couples with babies or some cute onesie in Target he so desperately wants to put on a little one I say out loud, "I love you, it's ok, it's only been 6 months. Think of it this way, the time for waiting can only get shorter from here."

I say it for both of us to hear because just because I am the one trying to reassure and calm him, I need to hear it and believe it as well. So, 6 months of waiting with a few updates here and there from our agency trying to reassure us as well that things are "happening", but that we have to remain patient. 

I do want to say thank you to those of you who have kept us in your thoughts and prayers. Despite not knowing exactly what to say, I really do appreciate the "So any new news?!" questions. Most of the times I just sigh, shake my head, and say "No, still waiting." 

I've been blessed to be busy with work, still running (yes I have actually kept it up and do enjoy it most days), cooking a ton in my newly painted kitchen thanks to my darling husband, and doing the things that I in general love. 

Chris and I are great. Whenever my sweet mother expresses worry or concern over me and our struggle to have a family of our own I always tell her "Hey, Chris and I are great, I love my job, I have my health, I have wonderful friends and an amazing family. I can't let the one thing I don't have over shadow all that I do."

I can actually hear her smile bitter sweetly over the phone when I say this, almost like a mantra, but I think she believes me. I promise to post at least once a month here because I really do need this. I was recently asked by the director of our adoption agency to start a support group for the other Waiting Couples at the agency.

So far there are about 10 couples interested and I really am honored to be involved. Hopefully we will set the date for our first official meeting for the end of this month. (Will keep you updated).

Until then, Chris and I wanted to thank you and let you all know that we are still here :)

                                        "We're Still Here"- Sleeping at Last

All of a sudden, you change my mind

Pull back the curtains, a little at a time

You were on a frequency, the perfect opposite of me

Though I never needed any proof to trust the heart that beats inside of you

Only one thing really matters

We're still here, we're still here

Against all odds, we're still here

We're still here

There is comedy within your eyes, history only you and I can write

There is pigment in your memory, the origins of our family tree

Though I never needed any proof to know the heart that beats inside of you

Only one thing really matters

We're still here, we're still here

Through the static, through the ashes we will brave

Through the perils, endless narrows, ....still here

We're still here, we're still here

We're still here.