Sunday, November 11, 2012

The gift of time?

November 11th, 2012

I'm not even going to address the fact that it's been months since I've blogged, but wait, I guess I just did didn't I? Thank you for your prayers and sweet "how are things going?" check in's. We greatly appreciate it!

I wasn't really sure what to say on here because we were kind of in adoption process limbo for months. I have a few drafts of posts I made back in September and October that I never posted because well, I was kind of down and pretty sure no one would want to read all of that.

Looking back over it I should have posted it because this blog really is a wonderful therapeutic release for me and I clearly needed an outlet. From here on out, I promise not to censor myself in fear of offending someone. It's a blog about infertility, adoption, but most of all hope, and that shouldn't offend anyone.

Our Home Study with our social worker was officially completed the first week of November. I requested a hard copy and received it just a few days ago.



When we first started this process back in July we were told the home study could take about 3 months which turned out to be accurate. All of the paper work, meetings, doctor appointments etc take that long to compile and then to approve. So what does that mean it's officially completed?

That means the "waiting clock" has officially started. I know. I was confused at first and thought it started when we began all of this back at the end of July but NOW it has begun. We were told it could be anywhere from a year, year in a half to two years.

My first instinct when hearing this was to be depressed. 2 Years? 2 more years of waiting for us? More holidays without our Baby Baker, more watching friend after friend continue to grow their families and us still without? Sounds horribly selfish right?

So, waiting it is. I can do that because I've gained some recent perspective.

I have been blessed with an amazing friend throughout this process who herself has been a patient in those same waiting rooms. She shall remain anonymous at this time because her story is not mine to tell.

 This past January during my first IVF cycle I looked across that waiting room and caught eyes with a vaguely familiar face that smiled in return. Old friends reconnecting over heart break and hope for something better.

She's been a comfort and resource during all of this because she has also successfully adopted two beautiful, healthy children.  Let me just say that I LOVE this girl. I have never known someone with such positive, clear perspective. She just gets it. She's patient, and kind, not only listening to my craziness but lets you into the darkest corners of her heart and shares her experiences. She's vulnerable and strong all at the same time.

When I expressed to her my worry and over all concern about the "what if's" and the possible wait time to be chosen her response was,

 "Amanda, your baby will come to you when it's your baby. Otherwise, it's not meant to be yours. Your child is out there...we just have to continue to be patient. Try to think of the time you're waiting as a gift. You're being given the gift of time to fundraise and prepare for your child. Don't wish that away."

See? Amazing perspective. I can't even begin to tell you everything this darling woman has been through to have children, but the fact that she can still think this way after everything blows me away.

Frankly, patience is NOT my virtue and it's something I struggle with daily. Sitting in traffic, waiting in line at the grocery store, I have to consistently mentally remind myself to chill out and wait. To say that waiting for our Baby Baker will be a struggle is an understatement. 

But the silver lining to all of this waiting is what a reward! What an amazing outcome at the end of everything. I don't for one moment regret or second guess anything Chris and I have gone through on our journey to Baby Baker. Everything was done in love and most importantly hope. Hope for the child we have yet to meet and hold in our arms because we know they are out there. 

So what's next? 

Chris and I will begin applying for adoption grants. Yes, these do exist! If anyone reading this is adopting please be sure to investigate grant options because it could mean money just sitting there waiting for you to apply for. 

Lots of great fundraising ideas for adoption and lists of current grants

The available grants vary but they are worth applying for. You may get 1, you may get 5, you may get zero but you will never know if you don't try. It's a lot of paper work but hey, we're used to that by now :) The guidelines, restrictions and amounts available are also specific to each grant so be sure to look over all they require carefully. Most of them do require a completed Home Study and that is why we are just now beginning this process. 

We are also thinking of doing some fundraising things to help bring our Baby Baker home so if you have any ideas or would like to help please let us know!

 I've been asked how expensive the adoption process is and here is the basic breakdown: 

Application fee                                            $400 non-refundable

Home Study with report                               $1600

Home Study Updates with report                  $1,000

Post Placement Visit with report                    $500 per visit (average of 3 visits)

Travel time per hour                                       $25

Mileage center per mile                                   .50

Copies and Mailing estimated at                     $100

Attorney Fee to finalize adoption in local probate court             $1500

The other charges that are not itemized basically come to a total of = $20,000 to $22,000 to adopt domestically

I also want to address the funny questions by some if "we are afraid we are going to get ripped off", "are you sure this agency is legit", and "are you actually paying the birth parent for their baby?"

All understandable questions that I honestly did giggle over and to answer those concerns:

 1) no we are not afraid we are going to get ripped off 2) this agency is legit and not in a back ally 3) No, the money goes to the agency, legal fees, social worker fees, and some towards the birth mothers' hospital stay. 

I also want to say thank you to those of you who still find their way to our little blog. Google searches, accidental, curiosity or concern.  Those people all over the world, and I mean that literally, who may be experiencing these same things. Thank you for taking the time to read and care. I believe in happy endings and am praying for you and your hopeful story as well.

Much love,

Amanda & Chris





Wednesday, August 22, 2012

I will Wait

August 22, 2012~I will Wait

Chris and I have been busy getting back into the swing of things with work and allowing our summer to come to a close. It really was a perfect blend of relaxation and exhilaration. My favorite season is peeking around the corner and I swear I can taste it in the air. Fall is coming.

Yes it's still almost 90 degrees here and humid, the cicadas still sing in chorus, but I can feel the shift approaching. We officially have ALL of our adoption paperwork turned into the agency. It took awhile, especially the personal autobiographies, but it was worth all of the effort.

This agency has asked that we write a letter to the prospective Birth parents or Birth mother. We had some guidance but it was still very difficult. The prospective birth mother or birth parents will have many letters to read and chose from and that is ultimately how they will pick the adoptive parents. No large expansive files, no photo books or videos, just a simple letter.  Here is an excerpt of our letter:


Dear Birth mother,

I can’t imagine all of the different emotions you must be feeling right now or how difficult this decision must be for you. The fear, the anxiety over making the right choice, all of the questions and concerns swirling around in your head must be overwhelming. We want to assure you that no matter what you decide, it will be the right choice for you and we want to thank you for being strong enough to make it.

We thank you for your personal sacrifice and for helping making our dreams of a family a reality. Our heart break over our struggles to have a child will not be in vain and we will know without a shadow of a doubt that this was the path we were always meant to be on….because it brought us the child we were always meant to have.

Thank you and much love~

Amanda and Chris

We were also asked to list reasons why we were pursing adoption or "bulleted points" that would give the birth mother or birth parents a glimpse into the type of people we are. Here are a few of our points:

·      I can’t wait to make forts with you out of blankets and stacked books
·      I want to bake Christmas cookies with you and decorate gingerbread men with tons of colored icing.
·      Have you in the kitchen with Susu as she makes her famous Thanksgiving Turkey and watch the Macy’s Day parade together as we sip hot chocolate.
·      Chris can’t wait to be Santa and eat the cookies you left for him on the fire place.
·      I promise to sing you to sleep every night  “You are my Sunshine”
We can’t wait to put you in the cutest pj’s and wake up on a Saturday morning to pancakes and music
·      Going to our neighborhood park and sliding down slides together. Pushing you on a swing
·      Wandering down the toy aisle and letting you pick out your favorite
·      Reading stories to you every night before we tuck you in
·      Taking walks with you around our neighborhood in your stroller
·      Letting you pick out your favorite cookie at the bakery counter in the grocery store
·      Using our imaginations to become astronauts, pirates, princesses or our favorite animals.
·      I can’t wait to cheer you on whether it’s a sporting event, a concert, an art show, a gold star you received on your schoolwork, or just being the amazing person that I already know you will be. 
·      Hearing your laugh for the first time and knowing that it will be the most beautiful sound I will ever hear.
·      Teaching you how to tie your shoes.
·      Let’s catch fire flies and get ice cream from our neighborhood ice cream truck (he drives down our street every single day at 3:30 in the afternoon)
·      I promise to always be patient with you. To be your biggest supporter and fan, to always encourage you to be you no matter what. 
·      To kiss your “Boo-boo’s” away
·      Teaching you to say “please” and “thank you” and to always apologize when you are sorry.
·      To watch my husband Chris sing and dance with you barefoot in our kitchen to his favorite songs.
·      Tucking you in, turning on your night light, and making sure there aren’t any monsters in your closet.
·      Filling Easter eggs with all sorts of goodies and watching you find them
·      Picking out a family pet together
·      I can’t wait to introduce you to your cousins and I just know you all will be the best of friends.
·      Teaching you how to ride a bike. Putting your little helmet on your head and buying the coolest streamers for your bike handles.
·      Teaching you how to write your name in the air with a sparkler on the 4th of July.
·      Letting your grandparents “Susu”, “Papa”, “Grammy” and “Pop” all spoil you.
·      Explaining to you that you can’t always get your way and that there are consequences to our actions.
·      Giving you a “bubble beard” in the bath tub
·      Starting a hope chest for our child and teaching them all about their birth parents. 

I realize reading some of these may seem simple and obvious, but we've never had those opportunities. Never had a chance to do those things with our child as a family. Those little everyday things that people take for granted, we've never had the chance to. 

We are setting the date for our first at home visit from our social worker Rebecca for the second part of September. She's been lovely to work with thus far and incredibly supportive. We are also registered for our first "Parenting" classes and CPR training next week at St. Vincent's hospital and look forwarding to completing all of our requirements. 

I took the title to this post from one of my favorite songs, "I will Wait" by the band Mumford and Son's. I've referenced them before in posts and I am obsessed with their music. It's so uplifting and honestly heartbreaking at times but this new song, to be released on their new album out in September, is so very amazing. I can't express how much I love this song. 

"I will Wait" Lyrics

I came home, like a stone
And I fell heavy into your arms
Days of dust, which we've known
Will blow away with this new sun

And I'll Kneel down
Wait for now
I'll kneel down
Know my ground

And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait I will wait for you

So break my step, and relent
You forgave and I won't forget
Know what we've seen
And him with less
Now in some way, shake the excess

And I will wait I'll wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait I will wait for you

Now I'll be bold, as well as strong
Use my head alongside my heart
So tame my flesh and fix my eyes
A tethered mind free from the lies

And I'll Kneel down
Wait for now
I'll kneel down
Know my ground

Raise my hands
Paint my spirit gold
And Bow my head
Keep my heart slow

And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you


Yes little Baby Baker, I will wait for you.

Much love,

Amanda & Chris




Monday, August 6, 2012

August 5, 2012~Peace that comes with a Decision~

This post took me a bit longer to write for various reasons but the main one being we had not made a decision yet as to which adoption agency we were going with. Well...........our decision was made last week and our paper work has officially been submitted!!!

Chris and I, after many LONG talks, meetings with agency members, and prayers have finally decided to go with domestic adoption at a local agency here in Birmingham. The group is Family Adoption Services in Homewood Alabama and we could not be at more peace about this decision.

Months ago when I began really looking into the adoption process I had always visualized doing International and going to China. As fate would have it, my "plans" again don't always go the way I think they should. In the previous post I talked about how my plans were not HIS plans and I think this was just another example of this.

Sign outside of our Adoption Agency office

When investigating the International Adoption option via China we ran into some very specific road blocks. I won't get into all of them here since they are quite personal (you are probably thinking well goodness she's shared just about everything else right? why not this?) but just know that it's not as black and white as you might think.  

It was very difficult to see that door close to us but Chris and I both know it happened in order to place us on the correct path to receive our Baby Baker. We met with several agencies and talked with friends who had gone through the adoption process themselves. It finally came down to where did we feel the most comfortable. 

I would like to say that each group we met with was lovely, empathetic, and professional but one stood out from the rest.

During our first meeting with Family Adoption Services the entire office came into the meeting to sit with us and discuss the possibility of us joining their prospective parents group. I honestly felt like this group cared and had our best interest at heart. 

Family Adoption Services. Precious little house in Homewood. 


I started to tear up and cry during the meeting when they asked me if I had any concerns and my main one selfishly being that I didn't want to wait years and years for our child. We have already waited almost 6 years, lost one along the way, and my husband and I desperately want to be parents. But all of that is obvious right?

The owner of the agency and her husband themselves could not have children. In fact, her doctor all those years ago told her "Go home and plant a garden...". I swear, sometimes people really do say the strangest things to people dealing with infertility. You would be amazed at what's been said to us. 

Susan (the owner) got up and handed me a tissue, grabbed my hand and told me "I am so sorry for your loss, your heart ache, and the pain you both have endured. I understand and am here to help. Your child will make it to your arms in His perfect time and I promise you it will not be years and years."

Chris and I left feeling very confident with this group but we still took the time to make sure we were making the right decision. I called them two weeks later and told them the news that we would be filling out the paper work and joining their prospective parents group. The sweet girl at the front desk actually squealed with happiness for us. 

So.....what next? Well, lots and lots of details. Lots of paper work, lots of meetings and the start of our Home Study with our social worker. What's a Home study? A Home Study is where the agency assigns you a social worker who interviews you on several different occasions at your home and requires you to meet certain expectations. Or for lack of better ways of putting it....delves into every aspect of your life possible. 


FBI background checks, finger printing (that was not fun by the way), blood work, doctor's appointments, HIV tests (yeah, you read that correctly), parenting classes, CPR certification, tax returns etc. 

Scary but exciting stuff. The Home Study typically takes about three months to complete and once that is complete the wait time for your child begins. Average wait time with this agency is a year to a year and a half but it all depends on how many mothers they have at that time and other various factors. Could be sooner....could be later. Hoping for the prior :)

I am also happy to tell you that I have still been running. On average about 4 times a week depending on my work schedule and the weather. Yes, it's still unbearably hot and humid here and I probably look like Phoebe from the episode of Friends when she jogs with Rachel and looks like a crazy person. Oh well. 

More to come soon....and I do mean soon :) 

Much Love,

Amanda & Chris


Wednesday, July 18, 2012

The Baby Race

July 18th~ The Baby Race

I would assume most of you are familiar with the HBO series from a few or so years ago, Sex and the City, but just in case not here's why it's been on my mind lately. One of the central characters in particular. Can you guess which one?

 No not Carrie although my crazy wild hair gets compared to hers quite a bit but Charlotte, her straight edged prim demure friend who very vividly went through the pains of infertility throughout the series.

I know it seems like the obvious choice but here's why it has been coming to me lately. I've taken up jogging, or walking/running these last 3 weeks. For those of you who don't know me, for me to actively decide to do anything physical much less jogging it would normally require a man with a hatchet chasing after me or someone trying to give me an injection (just ask Chris, he got quite good at cornering me when he had to).

So I've been jogging around my neighborhood and man did it suck to start with. It's hot, nasty and humid down here in the south pretty consistently but something in me made me go into my closet, dust off my basically brand new running shoes and go for it.
Sia's "Breathe Me" remix. What I've been running to lately.

Ok so why the Charlotte from Sex and the City connection? Well, towards the end of the show she began trying IVF and could not get pregnant after several failed attempts. She started running to take her mind off of things, give her stress and sadness a place to go. 

There is one scene in particular that I can't keep replaying in my head when she jogs past a woman pushing her baby in a running stroller and the hurt, pain, jealousy, and frustration plays across her face so perfectly as she races past her and keeps on running. 

So is this how I've felt lately? To be completely honest, some days yes. Some days it's hard to breathe and on those days I find that I push myself even further than the last. One more hill (Birmingham is surprisingly hilly), one more back road...you can do it. DIG! Yes it's disgustingly hot and this is pure torture but do it!
The voice in my head can be a very shouty, loud four letter word sometimes so she's tough to tune out.

 I had someone ask me a few weeks ago why we "gave up" trying to have a child via fertility treatments.

I do want to preface by saying that this individual does not know my husband nor I very well and that I truly think they were trying to ask out of genuine interest and concern. But did the way they worded that question basically feel like a slap in the face? You bet.

After the conversation with this person I realized that perhaps I didn't explain my reasons to not try IVF again at this time very well.

IVF and fertility treatments are a great thing! I have the two most precious niece and nephew because of it but it just wasn't the right time to consider going through them again. At least not now.

Mackenzie and Cooper. My beloved sister's children through her first IVF attempt.


Cooper with his Unc "Kiss"


 The truth is if Chris and I had been lucky enough to have had any of our embryo's survive to the stage that they could have been frozen for another attempt we would have definitely tried it. It's half the cost typically and you don't have to go through all of the injections in the beginning of the process.

But unfortunately none of our embryo's made it to that stage and that decision was made for us. It just didn't make sense to continue doing something that we didn't have the budget for AND that quite frankly isn't the greatest thing to do to your body time and time again.

However Chris and I will never "give up" on trying for a biological child of our own. How could we? There is always a chance, a possibility of it happening for us and I will never let go of that sliver of hope.

I've realized through almost 5 years of this and probably the majority of my life that you can't plan for everything. Sure it might make you feel better about things but your plan isn't really HIS plan. It was always my way of coping through things to have a plan. I knew that "Ok, this might not have worked but I still have plan B or C or even D".

I'm here to tell you that most of what I "thought" or planned for in my life has gone the complete opposite way...And thank the Lord that it did because apart from the heartbreak of trying to have a family my life is pretty amazing.

So, to end this long winded post as I sit here in work out gear dreading peeling it off and doing it all over again tomorrow a couple of things come to mind:

1) It worked out for the character Charlotte in the end and it will work out for you to. Silly I know. It might not look like how you had always envisioned it, but it will be right.

2) The comparisons to what you don't have right now that you want will drive you crazy. Better to plug in that Ipod, get the music blaring and try your best to drown out those pesky comparisons.

3) Take a deep breathe. Dig with everything you have and push up that hill. The view is pretty spectacular and you will feel better once you've climbed it :)

Much Love,

Amanda & Chris

Monday, July 9, 2012

California Dreaming

July 9th, 2012~ California Dreaming

Yes. I have been horrible about updating this recently and feel pretty guilty about it. Chris and I have had a busy, wonderful summer so far. This time last year we were in the middle of our first injectable drug IUI series and consumed with everything that entails. Never fun to go through that but really un-fun around holidays when you can't really enjoy them like you normally would.

So this past 4th of July we got to spend it with good friends and kicking back. I know many of you are wondering what is going on with our quest for Baby Baker and I promise to keep you up to date on that front :) You may be reading this and thinking....eh, I don't really want to know about your vacation this summer, I'm curious about your adoption process or fertility issues. To that I say thank you so much for your care and concern, believe me, it is always at the forefront of our thoughts. And a big thank you to those who have reached out to Chris and I during this process. We continue to be amazed.

Also, if you have questions regarding our fertility journey or anything specific please do not hesitate to message me. I have already received some wonderful messages from some of you from all over the country and would love to help in any way I can.

In our last post I briefly talked about our trip to San Diego to visit my adored sister, her precious twins, and her husband. We were incredibly blessed that Nicole was given two Southwest airline tickets for free and made a beeline for the coastline.

Me on Coronado Beach



Sweet welcome sign the Twins made for us


View of downtown San Diego from Coronado

We LOVE California...but we LOVE seeing my family even more. My sister and I truly are best friends and her twins, well, they mean the absolute world to me. We typically get to see them once, maybe twice a year which is hard on everyone. Thank the Lord for skype and free tickets from Southwest! We were also excited about seeing her husband Mitch whom we had missed the last few times visiting due to his military deployment. 

With no real agenda other than to just spend time with my sis and her family Chris and I wandered around the island, took a trolley tour (so much fun), ate, played with the kids, and even had some adventures bike riding. 

Gorgeous bushes all long the beach. Why can't these grow in Bama?

Coronado Brewing company. Really fantastic beer.

Old Town Trolley stop. Highly recommend if you are even in the San Diego area.

We rode the trolley which takes you all over the San Diego area allowing you to stop, wander around, and board at your leisure. We also learned all sorts of interesting factoids from our trolley guides including where certain famous scenes of Top Gun were shot (and of course, the corresponding music to those scenes was played over their loud speakers)...not embarrassing at all. 

U.S. Navy Seals returning to their training camp on Coronado

The Famous Navy Seal Bar "McP's". All of those hanging mugs belong to specific customers with names. 

Old Town San Diego

Woman hand making tortilla's in Old Town San Diego. They were incredible!

California style burrito with french fries stuffed inside, shrimp tacos, beans and rice. Hey don't judge me, I was on vacation. 

Chris picking out some flowers at the farmers market for Nicole that are Cooper and Mackenzie's favorite colors. Cooper loves yellow, Mackenzie purple. 


This trip was a bit bittersweet since my sister and the twins are being re-assigned by the navy to Okinawa Japan this month...at the end of this week actually. My head and heart still haven't wrapped around this completely but I am excited for them to experience things most people would never have the opportunity to, at least that's what I keep telling myself. 

Nicole and Cooper enjoying dinner al fresco

Mackenzie and Chris enjoying the fresh vegetables from the farmers market

I obviously took a ton of pictures while visiting and would love to share them as well as some hilarious videos of us playing with the kids. Will have another post with all of that goodness. Every morning the twins would run across the hallway, knock on our door, then pile into the bed with "Aunt Panda and Unc Kiss". I loved every moment of this trip and wish we didn't live so far away but the silver lining is that it makes it that more special when we are with them. 

Baby Baker news~ We are meeting with our second adoption agency tomorrow afternoon to make sure that all of our options are being considered. We have not decided whether to adopt internationally or domestically at this time. There is a TON that goes into either one of these decisions and we want to make sure we have all of the information and have thought and prayed appropriately. 

Our goal is to have a decision by the end of this month and to officially begin the process (application turned in, first fee payed, and home studies began). 

Thank you again for your love and support! We will update again soon.

Much Love,

Amanda & Chris













Monday, June 18, 2012

It's a new dawn, it's a new day......and I'm feelin good

June 18th, 2012~

It's been way too long since my last post. It was inadvertent I promise. A small break I suppose from things. Thank you so much to those of you who have continued to "check in on us" and ask how things are going. We really appreciate the love and support. Honestly....keep it coming :)

Let's see, to start things off the song that I have not been able to get out of my head for various reasons is Nina Simone's hauntingly fabulous "Feeling Good". If you aren't familiar with her and you love soulful boozy jazz, this is your woman. (video below)


Chris and I are doing well. We had our final post op appointment with Dr. Steinkamph at our fertility clinic May 30th. My physical scars have healed nicely and after a very heartfelt conversation with our doctors we have been officially released. It sounds a bit bad doesn't it? Officially released.

We discussed other options given our circumstances and came to the conclusion that for now, my body, our minds, and our hearts needed a break. I asked our doctor what our chances of having a child were on our own now that I lost my right tube during my ectopic pregnancy and surgery. His response was, "it's within the realm of possibility" and that there still was no diagnosable reason why we weren't able to get pregnant.

I also asked him if I should go back on clomid (pill ovarian stimulate to aid in fertility) but drop everything else since we still wanted to try to have a child on our own. Doctor's response "No, why keep trying something like that when we know for years it hasn't worked?"

Chris and I will never give up the hope of having a biological child of our own but I guess I had to agree with the doctor on that response. He did a few other final exams (breast check etc), then on our way out he grabbed me into a big hug and said "Now, I want you, no matter what or when to come see me and let me hold your child. Whenever or however you get them. I want to meet them."

I hugged Karen goodbye for now and she wished us something similar. I won't miss the procedures. I won't miss the awkwardness and heartbreak in the waiting room. I won't miss the needles, the pain, or that damn rickety elevator, but I will miss the people. Those doctors and nurses have been some of the most sincere and hopeful people Chris and I have ever dealt with and we will forever be grateful for their help in our journey to Baby Baker.

So, with heavy sighs and backward glances at our clinic as we walked out for perhaps the last time, we held hands and moved on. Time to reboot so to speak.

We have also begun the adoption process :)! We've met with one local agency and have researched into others. We are praying for guidance at this time as to which direction to go. Which agency, domestic or international, etc. It's daunting, but exciting. If you have any personal information or experiences you would like to share please do not hesitate to message me. Would love to hear!

We will hopefully have some definite decisions made by the end of July and able to share more details. Our road to Baby Baker has taken a different turn for now but we are hoping you will stick with us for the rest of our journey!

Chris and I headed to Memphis to see my Dad, Brother and Mom Memorial day weekend and really enjoyed the "getting back to being me" time. A few weeks later, we boarded a plane for San Diego to visit my sister Nicole, her precious twins, and her husband Mitch whom we had not seen for years due to his deployment with the Navy.

Me death gripping Chris's hand on board

Nicole travels quite a bit & was blessed with two free Southwest airline tickets to see them!! We were so happy to have the opportunity to go before she has to move to Japan (more on that later). As you can see from the above picture I am a TERRIBLE flyer. Wasn't always this way but for some reason, the older I get you have to basically sedate me like you would an animal in order for me to fly. It isn't pretty.

Sunset 10,000 miles up 

Five or so hours later we landed in San Diego and were greeted by the entire Eisenberg family. Mackenzie and Cooper in their pj's and Nicole and Mitch with huge smiles on their faces. 

Pure Joy. Chris and Mackenzie playing on Coronado 

I will have to make our California trip into several posts but I did want to start with a few fun things on this one. We played, we ate, we laughed, we cried, and we refreshed. 

"The body heals with play, the mind heals with laughter and the spirit heals with joy"~unknown proverb

I'm back at work, getting back to being me and back to posting about Baby Baker. See you in a few days :)

Chris and I are healing and that's the most important thing right now. 

Much love~

Amanda & Chris







Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Blank Screens and Blank Stares

May 16, 2012

I truly meant to post before today but as you can imagine I have been in recovery, in more ways than one.

This is a very long post. Thank you everyone for your love and patience. Your calls, texts, cards, hugs, and flowers have meant so much to us. So here's what happened.

We are still processing everything. There are days that are blurry and fuzzy around the edges due to prescribed narcotics, emotional turmoil, and most importantly.....healing. This post will not be all doom and gloom, nor will it be filled with rays of sunshine. But I do want everyone to know that we are healing, we are well, and we are moving on to the next phase of Baker Baby.

As most of you know now I had an emergency laparoscopy Tuesday, May 8th, to remove the ectopic tubal pregnancy that our precious little Baker Baby had become. Allow me to back up a bit....(Warning...I will be discussing some pretty graphic details here, if that makes you uncomfortable I promise not to be offended if you skip to the end of this post).

On April 30th I began noticing bleeding, more than the technical term of "spotting". I had been experiencing some slight bleeding the week before as well as brown or old blood spotting. I called our office and spoke to both of our nurses probably ever other day with the panic of "Is this normal?"

I even left a message that at the time I'm sure they deemed typical panicky me asking them if it was possible that I could have an ectopic pregnancy.

I was assured that quite a few pregnant women did in fact experience spotting or bleeding, even up to a normal flow of a menstrual cycle and that "As long as it didn't become more excessive than a normal cycle....we were fine."

I do want to say that I adore our nurses and doctors. I do not blame anyone or anything for what happened to us and our darling Baby Baker. They advised us the best they could with the information that they had at the time. I will also say that during this 11 days of panic that I was overwhelmingly frustrated. Not necessarily at our doctors, but more with the entire situation.

As someone who had never experienced pregnancy, to receive the advice "well, you will know if you are miscarrying", was confusing and frustrating. How exactly was I supposed to know? I kept having this absolutely horrific nightmare that I was going to wake up in the middle of the night to a horror scene of blood soaking through our entire bed, so much so that I began sleeping with a towel underneath me.

On April 30th I decided to drop by our clinic and ask if there was anything we could do about the bleeding and "spotting". I hoped that perhaps they could do a blood test for my HCG levels or even an ultrasound to let me know exactly what the heck was going on. I was exhausted from the nightmares and crying as I waited for Karen to come out into the waiting room to see me.

She very sweetly put her arm around me and told me they could not do an ultrasound any earlier than that coming Thursday. At that point I would be 6 and a half weeks pregnant and they would be able to see something clearly in the uterus. She gave me a hug, told me to hang in there, and then gave me the "as long as you aren't soaking thru a pad or having a massive amount of blood" you are ok talk.

She advised me to go home, take it easy, and try to remain calm. I took the next several days off from work and was put on bed rest. My amazing friends Casey and Andrea took turns sitting with me and making sure I was well distracted with treats, humor, and love.

Tuesday May 1st at around 7:00 PM I began having very painful cramps every few minutes or so...almost like what I would assume labor pains are like. Very bright red blood with some small clotting. We weren't sure what exactly was going on but I still wasn't having the massive amounts of blood that in my mind I would be if we were losing our baby.

I chose not to call the clinic with more of the same and waited it out until our appointment Thursday morning. We arrived at the clinic with still minimal bleeding and some mild cramping at 10:00 AM ready for the our first pregnant ultrasound.

Chris was so excited. I was as well, but after having gone through the week I had I was very cautious and nervous about what we were going to see. I held my breathe, said a prayer, and squeezed Chris's hand as Karen began the ultrasound. And then...nothing.

You could have heard a pin drop in that tiny cold little room. Nothing. Nothing in the uterus. Where was our precious little one? I kept hoping she would move to the other side with the device and they would magically appear but all we saw was a blank blurry screen. She called in Dr. Steinkamph for a second opinion and he confirmed our heartbreak, no pregnancy in the uterus.

They left us to change and I must have laid there unmoving for at least 10 minutes. I couldn't even cry yet I was so numb. Chris finally pulled me up into his arms off the table and helped me back to the lab for more blood work to see what my HCG levels were. With no visible pregnancy in the uterus they would first assume that we had indeed miscarried but they wanted to rule out the rare chance of ectopic pregnancy by testing my blood levels.

What is ectopic pregnancy?

 An ectopic pregnancy is when the pregnancy is not within the uterus. The embryo attaches and implants itself somewhere it should not be. Most ectopics that occur happen within the fallopian tubes classifying themselves as "tubal pregnancies" and are deemed "non-continuing pregnancies". Some can also occur within the ovary and cervix.

So what the heck are the odds with the technology and process of IVF with ectopic pregnancies? Are you ready for this?

1 percent. That's right.....1 percent chance of having an ectopic pregnancy with IVF.

 It's so rare, that I was more likely to have been struck by lightening or hit my a meteor shower than to have an ectopic pregnancy with IVF. Seriously, look up the odds, this is no joke. They are also more likely to occur with women who have had tubal damage or issues. I had none.

We waited in an exam room as they rushed my blood work, cold, tired, hungry and emotionally wrought. Karen peeked her head in to let us know it would be another 20 mins and I asked her, "What are the odds of an ectopic Karen?" She came back with the percentage and told us once again, "that is incredibly rare and unlikely".

An hour and a half later of waiting Dr. Steinkamph entered our room with a grim expression and our massive file. My blood levels had more than doubled, in his opinion we were more than likely having an ectopic pregnancy.

To say we were shocked was an understatement. Our entire clinic remains shocked to this day. I stared at my phone as it was lighting up with texts, "Have you heard anything yet?", "How many babies are in there?", "love you and can't wait to hear!"

Dr. Steinkamph then began the barrage of information and "options" that we had to decide upon. We first and foremost asked him in no uncertain terms, was there any way at all to save the baby? He shook his head and said no. If it was indeed ectopic there was absolutely nothing we could do to save it and that we had to save me.

Option number one: Wait and see or monitor the situation until Monday morning.
 He seemed to be in favor of this due to the absolute rarity of actually having an ectopic pregnancy. He also considered the possibility that I had in fact miscarried that past Tuesday evening and my numbers were slowly lowering. Come back Monday morning baring any emergencies and re-test my blood and perform another ultrasound.

This didn't appeal to me due to the fact that IF I had an ectopic pregnancy and it continued on it's path I was risking it rupturing internally and having to have emergency surgery or worse.....shock or internally bleeding to death. Yes, that was a risk, a very rare one, but a risk. And after having already breaking the odds it wasn't something I wanted to chance.

Option number 2: Injection or injections of methotrexate.
I had no idea what this medicine was but my thought process was, "Ok, a shot, I don't like those but at least it's not surgery." He seemed wary about this choice for several reasons the main one being that it isn't 100% affective and may take weeks to fully "work" if at all. He said I would also be in pain and for him to come right out and say that wasn't a good thing. It would require me returning to the clinic several times a week for blood work so that they could see it was in fact terminating the pregnancy.

What is methotrexate? It simplest terms, it's a drug used to treat cancer patients and has many, many unpleasant side effects. It works to destroy rapidly multiplying cells (ie cancer cells and in my case, pregnancy).

They would need to test my blood (renal scans) to see if I could even safely qualify to take the shot and the earliest they could give me the shot was Monday morning. So that put his right back to having to wait 3 days to do anything; the same as option number 1.

Option number 3: Laparoscopic surgery

I had already had this surgery performed a year and a half ago for exploratory and endometriosis and I didn't handle it well. My recovery was slow and surgery scares the hell out of me. It's all of my worst fears wrapped into one horrible experience to be honest.

He was in favor of this option because there was certainty with it. We would know exactly where the pregnancy was in my body and be able to remove it quickly. No waiting around for weeks and hopefully no chance of rupture. That all made sense but again, if I could avoid surgery I was most certainly going to try.

I then basically begged him to see if we could do the shot earlier than Monday but was met with a resounding no. We were told to come go, rest, and to call them if I had repeating pain on one specific side of my body or excessive bleeding.

Our car ride home was silent. No more of Chris singing Grateful Dead songs to the baby or babies in my belly. We were both scared and so very heartbroken.

I now felt that I had a ticking time bomb within me and could not rest. My mother drove through the night to stay with us and we stayed up till 2 AM chatting once she finally arrived.

Those few days were filled with worry, paranoia, comfort, and distraction. We kept hoping and praying that I had already miscarried the baby and that I was out of danger. The guilt I felt for even praying for that was overwhelming.

We busied our selves with good food, snuggling, and movies. 
My Mother's "Hug in a pot" Pot roast with veggies, fresh corn & tomatoes & biscuits

"Ally Dog" came to keep us company as well

I noticed from time to time "twinges" on my right side. That's the best way I can describe it. Not outright pain but twinges of something that just didn't feel right. The bleeding was intermittent as well as we counted down the days until Monday.

We arrived at our clinic bright and early Monday morning for our additional ultrasound and blood work. My mother was with us this time as we awaited the news. Again, blank screens and blank stares. Nothing in the uterus....still. 

They sent me back to the lab for the blood work and then that they would call us as soon as they had the results. We went to lunch, ran some errands and picked out Mother's day gifts while we waiting for the call. Slightly past noon I received the call from Karen that my blood levels had again, "more than doubled" and to come back immediately to meet with Dr. Steinkamph. 

We rushed back to the clinic and heard the final words "You are diagnosed with a tubal ectopic pregnancy". No more options, we were scheduled for surgery the next morning at 7:00 AM.  

The next few hours I proceeded to have a nervous breakdown. Everything I had been feeling just poured out of me. Chris called our doctor and they allowed me to take Valium and thank goodness because I was inconsolable. I had convinced myself that because this horrible random thing happened to us that I was now going to have other horrible random things happen to me.

I didn't want to go through the surgery for fear of actually dying on the table. It seems silly now to have thought that, but that's where my head was at Monday afternoon. I eventually calmed down and snuggled in with Chris. My brother texted me at one point to check on me and he asked how I was doing, my reply "Ok...I have Valium and fried chicken". Nothing wrong with that combo.

The drugs eventually knocked me out and I actually slept. We arrived at Brookwood Hospital at 5:00 AM and I was taken back for pre-op admin by the loveliest of nurses. She held my hand, stroked my hair and stayed with me the entire time. I cried out of fear and anxiety but more than anything else that I was losing our precious baby. 

She prayed with me and looked down at my face and said "darling, it's all gonna be ok. The Lord will bring you back here on happier terms one day soon, I just know it". They let Chris and my Mom back into my room as they drugged me up and prep'd me. 

When I came to after the surgery all I could recall was, "MAN i gotta go to the bathroom!" Apparently I told the nurse I was gonna go on the bed if she didn't wheel me back quicker. Chris kissed me and told me they removed the tube and the pregnancy within the tube on my right side. So the twinges I had experienced were in fact attributed to the ectopic. He said everything else looked normal, no other embryos were found, and all I had to do now was heal. 

One of the biggest things I learned throughout ALL of this is listen to your body. You know it better than anyone and if something doesn't feel right, speak up and make sure you ask those questions. Even if you feel like you are being paranoid or "That patient"...ASK. 

In short, since I know this post has been a novella and hats off to those of you who actually read the entire thing...we are healing. My scars, both physical and emotional are healing. Our doctors did a wonderful job and we are so thankful that I did not rupture or worse. Each day I feel a little bit stronger than the last and look forward to reclaiming my body. 

No more injections, no more drugs, no more hormones, no more blood draws. 

We are happily moving on to adoption of our little Baby Baker. We have begun investigating and should meet with our first agency next week. We would LOVE for you to stay with us during this journey because it's FAR from over :) 

Thank you everyone, much love.