Wednesday, July 18, 2012

The Baby Race

July 18th~ The Baby Race

I would assume most of you are familiar with the HBO series from a few or so years ago, Sex and the City, but just in case not here's why it's been on my mind lately. One of the central characters in particular. Can you guess which one?

 No not Carrie although my crazy wild hair gets compared to hers quite a bit but Charlotte, her straight edged prim demure friend who very vividly went through the pains of infertility throughout the series.

I know it seems like the obvious choice but here's why it has been coming to me lately. I've taken up jogging, or walking/running these last 3 weeks. For those of you who don't know me, for me to actively decide to do anything physical much less jogging it would normally require a man with a hatchet chasing after me or someone trying to give me an injection (just ask Chris, he got quite good at cornering me when he had to).

So I've been jogging around my neighborhood and man did it suck to start with. It's hot, nasty and humid down here in the south pretty consistently but something in me made me go into my closet, dust off my basically brand new running shoes and go for it.
Sia's "Breathe Me" remix. What I've been running to lately.

Ok so why the Charlotte from Sex and the City connection? Well, towards the end of the show she began trying IVF and could not get pregnant after several failed attempts. She started running to take her mind off of things, give her stress and sadness a place to go. 

There is one scene in particular that I can't keep replaying in my head when she jogs past a woman pushing her baby in a running stroller and the hurt, pain, jealousy, and frustration plays across her face so perfectly as she races past her and keeps on running. 

So is this how I've felt lately? To be completely honest, some days yes. Some days it's hard to breathe and on those days I find that I push myself even further than the last. One more hill (Birmingham is surprisingly hilly), one more back road...you can do it. DIG! Yes it's disgustingly hot and this is pure torture but do it!
The voice in my head can be a very shouty, loud four letter word sometimes so she's tough to tune out.

 I had someone ask me a few weeks ago why we "gave up" trying to have a child via fertility treatments.

I do want to preface by saying that this individual does not know my husband nor I very well and that I truly think they were trying to ask out of genuine interest and concern. But did the way they worded that question basically feel like a slap in the face? You bet.

After the conversation with this person I realized that perhaps I didn't explain my reasons to not try IVF again at this time very well.

IVF and fertility treatments are a great thing! I have the two most precious niece and nephew because of it but it just wasn't the right time to consider going through them again. At least not now.

Mackenzie and Cooper. My beloved sister's children through her first IVF attempt.


Cooper with his Unc "Kiss"


 The truth is if Chris and I had been lucky enough to have had any of our embryo's survive to the stage that they could have been frozen for another attempt we would have definitely tried it. It's half the cost typically and you don't have to go through all of the injections in the beginning of the process.

But unfortunately none of our embryo's made it to that stage and that decision was made for us. It just didn't make sense to continue doing something that we didn't have the budget for AND that quite frankly isn't the greatest thing to do to your body time and time again.

However Chris and I will never "give up" on trying for a biological child of our own. How could we? There is always a chance, a possibility of it happening for us and I will never let go of that sliver of hope.

I've realized through almost 5 years of this and probably the majority of my life that you can't plan for everything. Sure it might make you feel better about things but your plan isn't really HIS plan. It was always my way of coping through things to have a plan. I knew that "Ok, this might not have worked but I still have plan B or C or even D".

I'm here to tell you that most of what I "thought" or planned for in my life has gone the complete opposite way...And thank the Lord that it did because apart from the heartbreak of trying to have a family my life is pretty amazing.

So, to end this long winded post as I sit here in work out gear dreading peeling it off and doing it all over again tomorrow a couple of things come to mind:

1) It worked out for the character Charlotte in the end and it will work out for you to. Silly I know. It might not look like how you had always envisioned it, but it will be right.

2) The comparisons to what you don't have right now that you want will drive you crazy. Better to plug in that Ipod, get the music blaring and try your best to drown out those pesky comparisons.

3) Take a deep breathe. Dig with everything you have and push up that hill. The view is pretty spectacular and you will feel better once you've climbed it :)

Much Love,

Amanda & Chris

4 comments:

  1. This is such a sweet entry. I read it from Nicole's page. My sister went through two rounds of IVF and then had a baby after 'giving up' fertility treatments - I think letting go of the pressure/stress really helped her, hopefully for you too. It sounds like you are approaching it with a very healthy & positive attitude! I LOVE to run too and I hope you will find a number of additional benefits associated with being in motion. xo Sheri Dion

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  2. Thank you for your kind words Ms. Dion :) Means a lot to Chris and I. Truly. xoxoxo

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  3. Panda, you know I started running nearly a year ago (Sept 2011) and it was one of the greatest things I have ever done for myself. I ran 5 miles 2 weeks ago and while that certainly is not "far" I couldn't be more proud. I know one day you will have the feeling. Keep up the good work :) Love you.
    ps. I know you are a music snob but my go to running mix lately has been Maroon 5's new album.

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    1. Aww sweet Ash yes I do remember and I am so proud of you for running that far! Looking forward to running in the cooler temps of the fall and I really like that new Maroon 5 song :) love u!!

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